اهلا و سهلا استاذ عبد الستار النعيمي
سأنظر في الترجمة بإذن الله
تحياتي

السلام عليكم استاذنا الفاضل عبد الستار النعيمي
القصيدة جميلة و ذات مغزى هادف
و الترجمة لاباس بها
هنيئا لك بهذا الإنجاز
تقديري أستاذنا الكبير

الأستاذة المكرمة منيرة الفهري
أشكر لك كل ذلك وتقبلي أسمى تحاياي
مع التقدير

الأستاذ الفاضل المختار محمد الدرعي
شكري لك أن عرجت على نصي ورأيت فيه ما رأيت
هذا ثم إنّ لك فيوض محبة وعميم تقدير

لقد بدأت بتنقيح الثماني أبيات الاولى، أما و قد دخل المترجم الكبير الهويمل ابو فهد على الخط، فأنسحب و أكتفي بالاستمتاع بالترجمة بعد أن تنشر هنا في موضوع مستقل.
تحياتي للجميع

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم والصلاة والسلام على أفضل المرسلين وبعد :
كنت قد تلقيت دعوة من الأخت الفاضلة الأستاذة منيرة الفهري طالبة مني تنقيح الترجمة
ومع كوني مريض وقد تركت التراجم سيما ترجمة القصائد الطويلة منذ فترة طويلة لبيت دعوتها
----
الحقيقة النص الشعري العربي لا يخلو من تعابير جميلة ومؤثرة لكن ربما كانت لي ملاحظات بسيطة ذكرتها بين السطور وحاولت التصحيح أما الترجمة فهي شأني وقد حاولت جهد امكاني التغيير واعادة السبك مع بعض الملاحظات.
شيء واحد أردت أن ألفت نظر الجميع مثلا رسول الله لا نترجمها messenger of God بل messenger of Allah لأنه كلمة God المسيحيون يقصدون بها ( الرب ) أي يسوع وكذلك اليهود ربما يقصدون موسى !! لهذا نبتعد ونكتبها Allah بوضوح
* شاهدت القصيدة منشورة في مكان أخر هنا : http://www.alfaseeh.com/vb/showthrea...05134&p=712200

مُنعتُ الحجَّ أنكالا برفضي رشوةٌ فُرضتْ فقلبي اليومَ محزونُ

I was prevented from performing Hajj in defiance of *for refusing an imposed bribe so that my heart is sad today.

Notice: in defiance of = correct phrase = in contempt of, in opposition to, in disobedience to

Correction : I was prevented from performing Hajj in defiance of my refusal to an imposed bribe so that my heart is sad today. OR better : You can say instead of (in defiance of )
I was prevented from performing Hajj as a punishment because I refused an imposed bribe so that my heart becomes sad today.

رئيسُ الحزب قد نال من الحجـاج رشوتهم وهـل للمرتشي دِينُ

The party leader receives a bribe from the pilgrims, and does bribery have a religion.

Correction : it is a question I see! The party leader has received a bribe from pilgrim. Does a bribee have a religion?
رسول اللهِ قد قــــال "لراشٍي أو لمرتشِيٍ عقابُ الله مضمــونُ

The Messenger of God had said For a briber or a bribe-taker ** God's punishment is guaranteed.

Correction: Messenger of Allah (has) said, " There is a guaranteed punishment of Allah to a briber or a bribee ".

بـلادي ظلمُها طال وطـول الظلم من كتلٍ طغتْ واستُفردت حيـنُ

In my country, its oppression is prolonged * and the length of the oppression is from blocks * overwhelmed and isolated for a while.

Correction : The oppression in my country has been prolonged,
taking its long period from the masses that tyrannically overwhelmed

إذا ما قلتــمُ غـالى تعالوا وانظروا بلدي وفيه الشعبُ مسجونُ

If you say expensive * come and see my country * and the people are imprisoned.

Correction : If you think that my speech is overstated ,please come and visit my country to see how people altogether are imprisoned.

لئنْ نظّمتُ أقـوالا وضد المعتدي قـولي ففي الإرهـابِ مرقونُ

If I organize my words * and against the aggressor my words * In terrorism I am included.

Correction : If I organized my words and against an aggressor I directed my words ( speech),
then in terrorism I would be accused of.

وإنْ حقّـّــرتُ تمثـالا ولم أعبد لهم صَنمــا لقالوا؛ الشيخُ مجنونُ

And if I slandered a statue * and did not worship an idol for them * they would say; The old man is crazy.

Correction : And if I demeaned a statue and did not worship an idol they honour,
they would say; The sheikh is crazy

كــذا الإنسانُ ما زال يقتّـلُ كـل معترضٍ بنار الحقـدِ مشحونُ

This is how man still * kills every objector * with the fire of hatred charged.

Correction: That's the human being is charged with the fire of hatred ready to kill any objector on his way.

طغى المحتلُّ محتالا فيمشي في جنازتنا وفي يـــده السكاكينُ

The occupier tyrannized a crook * he walks in our funeral * with knives.

Correction: The occupier has overpowered deceitfully taking steps in our funeral holding knives in his hand.

فـعــمّ يقتــلُ الخال وذا يغتالُ والَـدهُ كأنّ الكـلّ فـرعـونُ

So he kills his uncle, and this kills his father, as if everyone is Pharaoh.

Correction: Uncle kills uncle and that one assassinates his father.

It looks as if all were pharaohs.

فمَن يرثـي لنا حالا تُخذنا في الملى هـزَءًا كأنْ علياءنا دونُ

Who will be sorry for our condition *people make fun of us* as if our heights are down.

Correction: One who seems sorrowful for us managed his purpose in mockery as if our position was a lower.

بنينا العـزّ أجيالا وإنّ العــز من أزلٍ بسيف العُـرْب مقـرونُ

We built glory for generations * and glory is from eternity * with the sword of the Arabs tied.

Correction : We have for long built the glory for generations

And that glory is from ancient time bound by sword of Arabs.

وهم يكسون سربالا من الأخلاق زيّنهُ اذا استنجدتهم عونُ

And they would wear a garment * of manners, and adorn themselves with * If you asked them for help - they were.

Correction : And they are clothed with a dress of morals,

If you just asked them for help they were ready.

سُقينا الحبّ أطفالا وفي أثـداء مـُرضعتي كأن الجودَ مخزونُ

We used to water love when we were children *and on my mother's breast* as if generosity were stored up.

Correction : We used to water love since our childhood,

and in my nurse's breasts as if the goodness was stored

نهـدُّ الأرض زلزالا إذا انتُهكتْ حَرائرُنـا ولا تغفـو لنا عَيـنُ

We will shake the earth with an earthquake * if our women are violated * and our eyes do not fall asleep.

Correction : We would shake the earth with an earthquake if our women's honour is violated, and our eyes would never fall asleep

حَوتْ طُـُبْيًا ومرقالا بيوتُ الشَعرما نُصبتْ وضرعُ الشاةِ مدهونُ

* It contained the full udder of the camel with the fast camel * The hair houses when built * And the udder of the sheep was anointed. ??

يعني هذه كناية أن بيوتهم المصنوعة من وبر النوق السريعة الجري عامرة تقري الضيف وكذلك أغنامهم تدر بألبانها ... لا أرى البيت موفقا رغم فهمي له !! العبارات ليست متناسقة كلمات أصيلة لكن التراكيب ليست متلائمة مع أن الوزن الشعري موجود

Correction: our tents contained a full udder of a fast camel as much as were built.

And the udder of sheep there was always anointed.

فلم نرضعْـهُ إتفالا حليبا غير ذي عُلبٍ به الإخلاصُ معجونُ

That is why we did not breastfeed him with drippers * unpackaged milk * in which sincerity is mixed.

Correction: That's why we did not breast-feed him with raw -unpacked milk, but with sincerity is mixed. you can say insted ( sour milk or contaminated milk, impure, unclean, filthy etc.. )

وكان الجود إنْ جال جوادًا قد دعى الجفلى وفي يده المواعـينُ

كان أم كأن ؟ أرى كأن أفضل من كان

And the generosity if he went around, was generous, he invited people to food in general, and he had bowls in his

hand.

هنا لا بد من تغيير جذري لا تستقيم الترجمة حرفيا

Correction : He was famous for generosity wherever he went

Whence he invited people to food publicly and bowls on his hand.

على كُـوعيهِ قد سال إدام ُاللحم من مرقٍ وفي كلماته لِيْـنُ

On his elbows dropped meat broth, and in his words soft.

Correction : On his elbows dropped meat broth,

and his speech is almost soft. OR his words are always sympathetically softness.

إذا أنويْتَ ترحالا بلادُ العُرب قاطبة ً تــُدارُ بها الفناجيـنُ

If you intend to travel * all of the Arab countries * are used by cups of coffee.

Correction : If you intend to travel throughout Arab countries, you can see the cups of coffee are honourably offered.

قـِـراهم كانَ مازال من الأخلاق مـدرسةً ويأمرُنا به الدِينُ

Their hospitality was still a school of morals and religion commands us.

Correction : Their hospitality was still a school of morals as our religion commands us to do so.

وأصفى طيبـُهم بـالا فقد ناموا بلا أرقٍ وما في الصدرِ مكنونُ

And purer than their kindness their anxiety * they slept without insomnia * and there is no endurance in their chest.

Correction : By the virtue of their goodness they slept without insomnia and there is nothing which troubles their chest

ألا سعـديكَ يا خالا ستُجزى خلدَ جنّاتٍ عليها الخُنّـَسُ العِيـنُ

الأصح ستجزى جنات خُلدٍ ( من وجهة نظري ) ؟

Be happy uncle * you will be rewarded with an eternal paradise * girls with small noses and wide eyes.

هذه ترجمتها ملائمة

Correction : Be happy uncle. You will be rewarded with immortal gardens on which there are girls with small noses and wide eyes.

إذا أقبلنَ إقبـالا فهُـنّ الـدرُّ في صدفٍ وهُنّ البَيضُ مكنونُ

If they advance * they are pearls in the shell of a nacre * and they are preserved eggs.

Correction > If they step forward, they are pearls in seashells, and they preserved hidden eggs